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[02 Dec 2009|12:17am] |
i don't have any pictures. i mean i had around 5. in all those years i should have more.
my memories are blurred. the hardest part about growing up is that sometimes we only remember negative, heart-wrenching moments. the hardest part about ending things or friendships or what was once your only hope and joy and source of both peace and pain.... the hardest part is remembering. and simply that.
i have messed up. i have hurt and hurt and hurt... both reflexively and actively and i never wanted to. but maybe its good to feel as much as i do or did.
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[18 Sep 2009|05:02pm] |
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life is too short to sit and wait.
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[14 Sep 2009|08:24pm] |
"Oh how I wish I could go back in time
To the night when I heard my mother cry
She held me in her arms and we talked for some time
And I sang a song her mother sang to her
And it goes something about paper dolls and what men prefer
Something about the cross and how her Jesus died for her
Something about love and how it's worth living for
I wonder does love like that exist anymore?
I have much farther to go
I'm so confused I know
I should just kick my heels together and go home
But I lost my way when I lost you
Sometimes I cry when it's late at night
And you're not there to lay next to me
Morning breaks and the sun warms my face
How I wish it was you warming me..."
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[14 Aug 2009|10:18pm] |
"it's hard to know when to give up the fight.
some things you want will just never be right.
it's never rained like it has tonight... before.
now i don't want to beg you baby...
for something maybe you could never give."
-patty griffin "rain"
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[06 Aug 2009|08:27pm] |
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i want to hear more. of you.
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[04 Aug 2009|02:19am] |
can i do this? feign a life i'm not sure i know how to live?
i crave affection. i crave alcohol. i crave the meaning that he always gives me. why does everything have a past? why is that all people ever remember? i've been writing all night and i feel as though i'm suddenly (or have i continually been?) speaking jibberish. jibber jabber. pish.
miss you.
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| there's a love... overflowing with gladness |
[30 Jul 2009|03:04pm] |
i've found it here. alone is a not a word when it comes to knowing Him.
how apropos that i've discovered myself and what is right. it's a sure ending. but it can be my beginning. at 24, i'll do just fine. at the edge of the start.
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| when we were kids, we hated things our parents did. |
[18 Jul 2009|10:38pm] |
i am not sure how to unveil my thought process without lifting something that for now, desires stillness. stillness. it's what we miss most when life swirls about. you are in and out and i love that about you. please never stop being that constancy in my life, that "story with no end."
endings are silly. they are only necessary in a moment but that moment passes and our hearts and bodies overflow the moment's capacity for ending. suddenly we are beginning. each day we wake up, face the cracked dawn that escapes horizon and storms, break out of the shell which is a mess of covers, and know that we are beginning again.
beginning with love is the reason to escape storms. nothing makes sense without that for me.
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[08 Jul 2009|08:43am] |
i'm afraid i'll lose in the end.
and i'm terribly aware of how much i deserve that.
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| let's be passionate |
[25 Jun 2009|09:12pm] |
it's not like we'll get another chance to do this.
i waver and follow and i sink.
i breathe heavily with thoughts of you. i lose myself in certain dreams and sequences my brain provides to help me sleep. and i can't really sleep because the thoughts overwhelm and bring me out and out and i wish you wouldn't write everything that keeps me going.
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| never listen to jenn ghetto alone on a friday night |
[22 May 2009|10:34pm] |
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thanks tim... i like blaming you for my being a helpless indie loser. finding a scapegoat is half the battle, i say.
someone told me this quote this other day and i have to say it made me smile at 5 am on a weekday, wearisome morning:
"like people, a drink can make a room feel inhabited."
-graham greene.
at least i think that was it. the fact that said person told me this quote mixes up my brain in a way that only certain people can do. if there was a reason for the way things are, i'd like to twist it into something i can fit in this mold. this mold we're supposed to fit inside of and curl up in and grow up out of and find our end there. at times, or all the time, i think about why it is you who thinks i forget what you were.
and i change to you. i turn it all - every pronoun and dispossessed human being i encounter - into you. yet you sit there and say you feel elation. you write like the world is underneath you pushing you up in to a new someone i am not sure i ever even knew. when i know the world is pushing me down into a me i know you do not know. these pronouns are meant to confuse, do not mistake me.
so how do you walk right in and i fall right out of life's menagerie...of memories and all of the ends that lead to a mean. and i'll end with this, though i doubt i'll ever actually end any of this... (i should start saying the word, "beware"):
"boredom's my worst fear" -s
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[17 May 2009|11:35am] |
i have so much to do and i feel helpless to do it. 46 student narratives left to write, tests to grade, tests to write, and an overall need to not move or use my brain.
i hate this weekend. i hate that it's resulted in a fight and hurt and tears and all that bullshit that doesn't need to happen and ONLY happens as a result of alcohol. well, not alcohol, but TOO MUCH alcohol. it never seems worth it anymore.
why are the things we use to medicate ourselves the same things that makes us feel pain? physically and psychologically and figuratively - alcohol destroys when it's used to relieve. pisses me off that i fell for it.
and i'm also pissed off that i've been falling for a lot of things. i know what is the right decision, but i'm so easily tainted by one phone call, one song's lyrics, one memory. not only tainted, but spun about - in so many stupid, adolescent ways. i'll be 24 this summer and i act like a 14 year old.
again, i'm focusing on myself............ i just want to make things right.
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| why do people use damn as an adjective |
[16 May 2009|10:35am] |
like most things, it's not grammatically correct.
my dog is currently staring at me. he's asking me what the hell my problem is. all he wants is a walk and i can give that to him but i don't feel like it.
all of these things - this uncertainty and feeling and wonder - all of it is bullshit. what i realized this morning when woke up and looked at myself - is that all i've been doing is looking at myself. i'm becoming more and more self-centered - to the point where i question every single part about my life. and my dog is staring at me saying when will you take me on a damn walk?
and all i can say about all of this - is that finally i feel like giving up the me that makes me crazy and focusing on somebody else for a change, starting with my stupid dog.
where are my damn shoes?
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| school malaise and swine flu |
[04 May 2009|02:28pm] |
florida is a scary place. hurricanes, retirement homes, gators, tim tebow... and now swine flu.
3 schools so far have been shut down for the week due to this pig-like influenza. but is my school? nope. we just all cough on each other and laugh. i don't have it. but knowing my unstable brain's tendency to convince me i possess physical medical maladies, i wouldn't be shocked if i were to soon develop a curly tail and a love of slop.
anyways, despite the somersaults in my head and the stationary blank residing in my heart, things are well - just fine. though the disdain i hold for monday will never ever end, i like to get back in to the schedule of the week. and i like that there is a mere month left of middle school! what the blood clot am i going to do this summer? hopefully avoid every pre-teen possible.
lately, i feel like i don't know the important things. how am i a teacher? i know that the fears and uncertainty i feel are a result of my gradual attempt to accept the changes in life. the distance between the present and past. the even greater distance between future and past. and the overwhelming power of just not knowing. any of it. i am a perfectionist - always have been. the scariest thing in the world sometimes is failure. and making the wrong decision is just that.
i don't want to fail. and i don't want swine flu.
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| the act of inaction. |
[03 May 2009|08:07pm] |
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i don't think i can do breathe think undo all of this. i'd like to say i'm being poetic. but really i'm avoiding movement.
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| the things we think and do not say |
[02 May 2009|11:02am] |
i have been going over it in my head. the past is something you hold on to - for memory's sake, for reality's sake, for the sake of not losing all of those singular parts that make you grow and be.
i wonder where and when and what. time does not just slip or dissipate or disillusion us. it makes us understand that we are not here forever. that pain increases and softens us. that aging makes us worry more and care less at the same time. that our face changes each time we look at it - so much so that you forget what you looked like until you look at pictures and old crumpled up feelings. the word beautiful spelled wrong. the frame of him i carried. the saved letters and electronic messages that got us through the day.
the expression of first love and true love and the kind of love i now mock in the presence of young minds.
my heart is hardened and broken and heavy all at once. i am unwound, undone and in-between. i feel like i cannot see ahead. people continue throwing out the expression "light at the end" of the tunnel or the cave or the well or wherever we are. i am.
i get it. i always get it. but then i wonder why i can't see it. i'm not in darkness but i need to know where the fucking light is.
those words - his words - take me back from the end. draw my entire body to a world where my face looked different - my heart was younger and my body felt like something else each time we were close.
and then i remember and feel it all over again. i remember my knees locking up. for the sake of humor and reality, i wish i had fallen over at least once. or did i fall over anyway - figuratively. i convinced myself that nothing was real then. probably to ease the pain of loss and movement and growing older but that is gone now. bitterness is something we get a hold of without the intent of letting go. we dream(hope) that it will stay with us.
and then there was that night. and all those nights where guilt consumed me and still does. teaching modernism and postmodernism brings it all back. reading authors who show us the things we lost. reveal the "hope" that those things were not a fault of individuals but external social forces and the pain of getting out. the need to make sense of brokenness.
one day i said i'd run away with you. or maybe i dreamed it. i think that is the world in which i feel i belong. but when will that world rise out of this tunnel. when will i stop being in-between.
a story i feel you should read:
gutenberg.net.au/fsf/BABYLON-REVISITED.txt
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[15 Apr 2009|02:03pm] |
so my 8th graders are in New York City all week. except for 6 of them. so it's a pretty quiet 4th and 5th period for me. which is pretty damn fantastic. they're working on research for NYC and i have to tell you what one of my students just asked. he's researching the empire state building and he raises his hand and says, "Ms. Lauren? a long time ago, didn't a big monkey climb to the top of it?" HE WAS DEAD SERIOUS. HAAHAHAHAH i was like "That was a movie." he's like, "oh." everyone started laughing. including me. poor stupid child. i'm a terrible teacher - and i like it.
what else happened today? hmmm. i had to call a boy's mom because during lunch he called this tubby kid a "fat faggot." then pushed him. what a little jerk. he'll probably get a beat up in high school. i hate when kids are mean to each other - i am so lenient otherwise but cruelty makes me turn into a witch.
i have 19 piles of papers to grade, 2 big tests to write, and zero energy. i refuse to do any of it!! ahahaha. this may have been the slowest day of work yet. it's now 6th period, which is the last one, and i have one girl in here painting a shelf. god knows what that is about. i have to stay here til 5 pm though! bollocks. today has been slow. i feel like i work at Baldwin again, minus the steel selling and the cubicles.
who needs a nap?
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| sometimes a job means anti-work |
[15 Apr 2009|08:25am] |
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music |
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children blabbing |
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i don't feel like doing anything today. hahaha. i'm sitting here at my desk, watching children type away or talk about being 13 and the conversations are all a blur to me. this day is a blur and i don't think that will change until tomorrow.
i have been internally exhausted. does that make any sense? it's half psychological and half physical. i'm not a fan of going to bed early, or sleeping in. not for any real reason except that i think i don't like sleep. my apparent reaction to such behavior is to never give in to being tired. until one day i flip out or pass out or sleep in a triangular position and wake up with blinding, paralyzing pain in my neck. last night i think i tried to unconsciously break my own neck. that is the physical part of my exhaustion.
the psychological? well it's not that interesting. i'm stressed. about my job, about money, about bills, about all the breaking/stolen electronics in my life. but who the bloody hell isn't?
so because of all this, i decided i'm going to be super lazy. i'm going to do things like look at livejournal and make children do busy work and attempt to not move my head in any direction because when i do i feel like screaming or crying or beating a baby. and coincidentally, a school is full of babies.
damn it's only 1st period. murder me. what else can i write about? i think i might update all day just to numb my brain and numb yours if you're bored enough to read it. so brendan and i are almost finished with the second season of angel. HAHAHa i cannot believe i'm watching that show again. he's never seen it so it's pretty fun. plus, i forgot almost every episode so it's nothing like watching a rerun. oh david bananas. i don't know how i forgot the show so much - probably because we were all drunk when we watched 5 seasons in one summer. ok i'm leaving. bell's going to ring and i gotta go ring some necks.
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moviegoer's journal